


Blame Myself

by Starbuck09256



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, Gen, MSR, RST
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:33:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26585932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starbuck09256/pseuds/Starbuck09256
Summary: en ami post episode From the dialogue prompts! Any combination of: “Why can’t you look at me?” “Look what you do to me.” “I’ll let you do anything if you’ll just touch me now.”
Relationships: Fox Mulder/Dana Scully
Kudos: 27





	Blame Myself

He’s withdrawing back into himself, won’t even look at her, and she feels his anger and pity running off him in waves. To be tricked by a man they both know is only motivated by evil. A man whom she willingly went with despite the fact that he had her sister killed, Mulder’s father killed, stole three months of her life. A man that they have held a gun to, wanted dead more than anyone else in the world. Who has single handedly been the orchestrator of most of the horrors that have befallen them. Willingly believed him, why? So she could cash in on the glory of being the one to end cancer? That’s not even who she is, she’s not the one for acknowledgement, not the one to seek the sort of attention a cure would bring. Why did she do it? Why did she jeopardize her life once more to chase the impossible? Is it because she thinks she has been chasing the impossible this entire time? Is it because she knows first hand what being faced with one's own mortality brings to the equation? Is it because her and Mulder finally finally gave into the love between them and she thought it was once again too good to be true? That she needed to once again sabotage her own romantic happiness? That she seeks horror and fear and loneliness? She wants to scream and cry and go back in time to 3 days ago waking up in Mulders arms. Wake up to the soft light stretching across his skin as the world outside forgot that cigarette smoking bastards exist. 

Forget that she was once again so easily deceived by thinking that maybe just maybe everyone has good in them. Everyone wants to leave a lasting impression on this world for the better. She’s angry at Mulder too, not nearly as angry as she is at herself. No she will pay her own penance later. But how many times has he run off on her? How many times did she chase him down to the middle and ends of the earth. While he chased a lead of a ghost in the wind. She has tangibility, she had proof. She had everything that would make her believe and that asshole knew it. Knew how he could play her, hell played them, he’s been doing it for years. 

Now he’s used her to destroy the most valuable relationship of her life. Trying to separate her from Mulder, not even having the x-files shut down twice did that. Not being missing for months, not facing death over and over again have torn her away from him. Not because of some need to prove her love and devotion. No it’s never been about that, it’s been about the adventure, the passion, the constant challenges to her perceptions of the world. She doesn’t just value the work, she values the way Mulder makes her feel. He makes her feel like the strong smart beautiful woman she’s always strived to be. He makes her feel alive in ways that she didn’t know existed. And she’ll be damned if some sorry excuse for a human being takes away the one person in this world she values above herself. 

She stands up straightening her jacket walking with the clicking of her heels against the grain of his hardwood floors. She was ready to leave ready to walk away and let this impossibly complicated tether between them dissipate into the night. No, not after everything, not after knowing what his touch feels like. What it sounds like to have him moan her name into the darkness. How his lips capture hers in the bright dawn, his calloused hands running over her sweat covered skin. Not after knowing the way he challenges her mind and loves her soul. She pushes his bedroom door open, sees the scattered files and maps, evidence on how he searched for her. Years ago when he promised to always find her and this time he didn’t but she came back. Of course she did. 

He stares at his tennis shoes, clearly on the way to a run, running away from the thoughts that plague his heart, running away from them. Just as she was ready to do. 

She stands in the doorway ready to block his retreat onto the rain soaked pavement. “Why won’t you look at me?” in her mind her voice is strong, fearless. But in reality it is soft barely registering in her own ears. It is covered in fear, fear that this is something unfixable. He says nothing looking at his shoes while he sighs heavily into dim lit room. He wants to reach out to wrap her in his long arms and never let her go. He wants them to leave this miserable existence behind and have a life beyond the x-files. He’s found the truth of his sister. What that bastard did, and now knowing she went with him. Willingly, without so much as a moment of hesitation. God, what has he turned her into that she would forget all sense. Forget about how much that man has made them both suffer. 

“Mulder.. I..” and that’s when she sees it, sees him lift his eyes to hers. His tear soaked cheeks, his 4 day stubble, the evident disregard for his own wellbeing in the small amount of time she’s been gone. He doesn’t function right without her. Their mutual paranoia has created an extreme version of codependency that is frightening in its powerful existence. What have they become? Without the other are they really two hopeless shells of people? Are they really only surviving to exist with the other? The level of this knowledge makes her physically recoil. Dana Scully is a lot of things, but a needlessly dependent person who can’t function without a man is not one of them. But now the truth is staring her in the face, he needs her. Just as much as she needs him and they have come so far, denying what they mean to the other for so long. It’s not just the recent addition of sex that has made them this way. No thinking back through the years to see this truth has been there almost since the beginning. When she held a government official at gunpoint to get into an airbase. Where he chased down a suspect and beat him within an inch of his life for taking her. While the idea should repulse her, she should be appalled at the woman she is now. But she isn’t, Mulder isn’t a weakness to her. He is the embodiment of her strength. It is his determination and passion that ignites her own. HIs intelligence that challenges hers, he’s almost like an enhancement. He enhances all the things in her. Makes her stronger, braver, smarter, he creates a powerful fearlessness in her, a depth of empathy, a way of looking at the world and finally seeing it for all the beauty it holds. All that love shined at her and in this moment, she finally understands. 

Finally sees why he held back so long, why she held back. They would die for the other, but all she wants right now is to have him touch her. To make the pain and stupidity she feels wash away from her body in his arms. She wants to feel loved and cherished, and forget that the demons are at the door, sniffing and waiting for them to make another error in judgement. She steps towards him as he sits on the bed sinking into the side that has become hers. His elbows rest on his knees as he buries his face in his hands ashamed of the vulnerability that he shows her. He shakes his head as she steps between his long legs wanting to reach out and touch his face. 

“Look what you do to me. I can’t be angry at you, I would of done exactly the same thing you did.” His voice a whisper above the ticking clock. “I would of gone with him, believed him, done whatever he asked knowing if it would save one person it would be worth it. I know it would be.”

His eyes meet hers and her eyes fill with tears matching his own. He wants to touch her. Wants to reach out and stroke her cheek pull her into himself and hide them both away from the world until the rain beats the memories out of their minds.

“He saved you, he gave me the cure for you, and at the time I would of done anything for that, hell I even told him I would. How can I be mad and judge you at a different level than myself? How can I sit here and show the anger and frustration, shut you out for something I’ve willingly done before. You’re better than me, smarter than me...and yet both of us know that this world is bigger than us. Bigger than that smoking bastard, and I know you did everything you could to get in touch with me. I do..” his voice wavers as he swallows hard. 

“But now, now it’s different. It’s different for me Scully. Because I know I would do anything if you’ll let me touch you.” 

His eyes pierce into hers. His anger is at himself, not her, his pity is at himself. He is angry that before she was already too much to lose and now it’s impossible. 

“I can’t lose you Scully, not again, not ever and it terrifies me more than anything I’ve ever known or believed. So much so, I’m at the point of wondering what the hell we are still doing here? What the hell are we even fighting for?” 

Her breathe is let out in a slow ragged wave as she collapses against him. He wraps her up as he moves them onto the bed kissing her tracing her face with his long fingers as his tongue searches out hers. He pulls back as they are both breathless. She looks up at him, a sad smile on her face as she reaches up to trace his lips with her fingertips. 

“This, Mulder. This is what we are fighting for, moments like this for everyone.” 

He lets out a soft chuckle against her palm. Kisses her once more as he covers her small body with his. He will make love to her tonight, and tomorrow they will keep going on. Moving forward knowing that now they are aware of the risk, and what is really the cost.


End file.
